Archive for May 28, 2008

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…

{ May 28, 2008 @ 12:15 am } · { musings, Social }
{ Leave a Comment } 

Hey paintingcolorblind,
     Thanks for the feedback.  I have a need to reply.  I appreciate your
attempt to understand me, but I have a feeling you will never understand my
situation just like I will never understand the pain you suffer because of
your father's death.  I agree I have lots to be thankful for: no divorce, no
child payments or the pain of being away from a family.  My distress lies in
the realization that I will never have those things.  Yes, "never" is a little
extreme, but realistic.  I've even considered doing a residency at Dartmouth
to be around my sister when she has kids because I will never have any of my
own.  It is my own pathology- psychologically and socially.  I'm not made for
dating, let alone having a family and sometimes it just about kills me.  I'm
turning 30yo in 2 weeks, there are no prospects for dating and when I even get
a whiff of someone interested in dating me, I get nauseated and want to vomit.
 I am repulsed by the thought of dating and I hate myself for it.  I am not
normal.  And, (in case you're wondering) as far as my conscious memory goes I
was never abused other than being rejected by every boy I ever liked.  My
salvation lies with the thought that maybe I was made for a higher purpose, to
be a spiritual healer, and yet I have extreme doubts in that area of my life
as well.  

This is my struggle to find my purpose on Earth.  Lord knows I have a hard
time understanding this purpose and I wish more often than not that I wasn't
here.  Getting married and having children would probably not intrinsically
change me.  Still, I feel the clock ticking away.  When I was younger I always
thought I would find the right guy someday, but now I realize I'm the wrong
woman.  Guys have very little to do with my situation.  When I hear people say
they are living for their kids or their kids are the best thing they ever
made, I wonder why I'm living and how I could ever create something more
amazing than another human being.

That's about all I wanted to share.  Thanks for caring.

Heartysoul